I asked a colleague once what I could do better. He told me I get defensive. My response? "No, I don't." Ahhhhh. Got it.
I remember the first time I was brave enough to ask a colleague (that kind of functioned as my superior) for feedback. I was an early 20-something working as a director of music in a church. What could I do better? How could I lead better? He gently told me that sometimes I get defensive when people offer me feedback (at the time it was "more organ," "more drums, less organ," "more hymns, less rock" … I still get a little defensive thinking about it. In my eyes, I was a rag doll that could please no one… but trying to please everyone. Eventually I blended them all, organ, full band, choir, orchestra. I thought it was pretty great. Until someone said it was "too loud."
Anywho, my response to his feedback that I get defensive sometimes was "No, I don't." Ahhhhh shit. Got it.
It's taken me decades of practice, to listen… to train my nervous system to stay calm when my lizard brain tells me I'm threatened. It's also taken decades of practice working with and leading teams, to co-create spaces where people feel safe enough to share their perspective, and to truly value ALL the perspectives in the name of A) seeing what we hope is a full picture B) working together on real solutions.
I had a business coach once (she really was a biz guru, meets life coach, meets friend — shout out to Debbie Frapp who saved me more than once). It was a simple analogy but has never left me. Often when challenges come up it's like we're holding a beach ball right next to our face. We can only see the color right in front of us. Ask the person next to you, they see a different color. Go around the room and you have a spectrum of colored perspectives. Who's wrong about what they see? Who's right? "No one" to the former, and "everyone" to the latter.
Everyone is right in their perspective. But not everyone (myself included) has a whole perspective. Until we listen to each other, and get curious about what each person sees. Until we can set our egos aside and say "oh wow, I see something new here. I'm changing my mind about what I said now that I see a more full picture." OR "I don't disagree with you, but can I share something I'm not certain you see yet."
I posted about the rental crisis in Minneapolis on Instagram, and man oh man did it challenge my 20-year-old defensive self. I recognize the challenge even as I write this. Many of you shared perspectives that I couldn't see, and I hope I may have shared a perspective that some of you hadn't thought of. For good reason, some folks seemed pretty heated in the comments.
So let me own a few things here. I started that account with the aim to highlight fun things in the city etc. Had about 300 followers and then one night with a conviction that my body wouldn't let go, I posted a reel "If they meant to make an example out of us, they did." … it went viral. And a month later I find myself with a "platform" that I understand to be a responsibility. I am not a journalist. I have to work hard to research (it's not my strength). My strength in the workplace and personal life, has been in creating a space where people feel safe to share their perspectives SO THAT we can come to solutions, and have meaningful connection, and function in our greatest strengths as individuals, for the sake of The Whole.
I need to do a better job of acknowledging those gaps when I share my thoughts, and ask for you to help me/us see where the gaps are. The point of THIS article is not necessarily to foster "the solution" to the rental crisis (although let’s try). It's to say thank you for chiming in, thank you in advance for your grace where I fall short, for your partnership in making our community a better place.
To be explicit. I am for the vulnerable… I am NOT advocating for the wealthy, powerful, and greedy to get more. I personally am wired with a desire to advocate for those in need. I also personally have seen some "small landlord" friends hurting right now too in the midst of their desire to help. I've heard the backend conversations post-covid of renters who played the system. I also have close friends who are renting and struggling. So when I say "it's complicated" maybe a better choice of words, is that it's complex. And so often (as many of you pointed out in my previous article) we catch ourselves getting caught in "either/or" thinking when it often should be "and" thinking. Rental extension, eviction moratorium, government money, mutual aid…
Let me end this how my 6th grade self would… in conclusion… I welcome your perspectives here (especially when they're respectful), I encourage us all to "assume no malice" with people's intent (unless they prove to be total assholes in which case you can take a short hike off a cliff), and I'm gonna be over here doing breath work, not watching the comments roll in on this, for sure not getting defensive…. But in all seriousness, sitting in gratitude for the wildly weird opportunity we have as community to come together like never before. They say challenges either drive people/teams/partners apart or pull them together. As far as I'm concerned, in our disagreements/seeing different colors of the beach ball and sharing our perspectives, it's making us stronger and more connected.
Now, imma pour some more coffee and figure out what's happening this weekend in the twin cities. Be on the lookout for that post later ;)